Tarnished Star
by Aries Zodiac
Summary: Raph is traumatised over certain events and only Mikey will be able to understand. To help Raph, he has to relive some of his own nightmares.


**Tarnished Star**

**Aries Zodiac**

_Raph is traumatised over certain events and only Mikey will be able to understand. To help Raph, he has to relive some of his own nightmares._

_**Author Notes- Deals with adult subject matter. Nothing too amazingly graphic but drugs play a role. Not used by main characters, okay- it ain't a druggie-turtle fic, (not that I haven't read some very good druggie-turtle fics.)**_

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**_And finally, of course, what you've all been waiting for...Disclaimer! _**

_Ahem;_

_Not mine. Read fic._

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That evening, when we returned from patrol, he disappeared quickly, storming off into his room without speaking to any of us. Leo followed him with his eyes, obviously troubled but saying nothing. How could he? He didn't know what was going through our brother's head . Neither did Donnie. I sighed and started to walk after him, when 'Fearless' put a hand on my arm.

"Don't." he counselled softly. "You don't know what he is going through." I smiled slightly, shook my head ruefully. Of course, Leo was speaking from his own experience.

_He didn't know. _

_I did._

"You'd be surprised." I muttered quietly and left the room. I didn't go to Raph's though.

I could feel Leo's eyes boring into my shell the whole way.

* * *

"Hey."

He was sitting in the outlet of the sewer, near our Lair. Having shared a room with the guy for so long, I knew about the small passage from under the floor of our room, through a disused part of the original, now derelict, system and exiting here. It had been a favourite spot of both of ours at different times.

It was through here most of our air came. The entrance was covered with a wire mesh. Any of us could, of course, remove it and enter or exit as required. But he didn't tonight, just sat with his arms wrapped around his legs, chin resting on knees, staring through the wire at the stars. He didn't turn to acknowledge me but spoke in a strange voice.

"Go away, Mikey." He shifted uncomfortably, keeping his head turned away and I realised with shock that my tough older brother was actually crying! I sighed and sat down some distance behind him, not intruding too close. I guess he felt it was close enough though.

"Please Mikey. It's…" He trailed off and shook his head roughly. I didn't say anything, didn't crack any jokes or do any of the things that mark me out as the goofball of the family. I thought about what had happened. Poor Raph. He was fifteen. This was too young to deal with this stuff. I snorted softly. _Kuso_, my own fourteen and a half had been too young to deal with it.

"What's so funny?" he asked roughly, nettled.

"Not you. It wasn't that."

"Why did you come here?" Why did ya hafta follow me?" he demanded.

"Because I thought that maybe I could help." I answered, unsure of how this was gonna go down. I was right to be worried- he was not a happy bunny.

"How the hell could you help! _How do you know what it's like? _One minute…and then the next… How? You can't help!"

I ignored his outburst, my mind far away. I let him finish- when he had, his head had sunk down onto his knees again and his shoulders were shaking. I let my memory drift back to a cold winters night, nine months and eight days back. I wasn't planning my words- they came out as they appeared on my tongue.

"Remember- well, nah, ya probably don't, there were so many times. Anyway- it wasn't the Foot, just some bunch've street-hoods. We busted up a few of their deals. Small time drug-dealers, specialising in some of the harder shit. E, and coke cut with who-knows-what. LSD sometimes too. Whatever people wanted." His back was still turned to me but I could tell he was listening.

"A few weeks before, me'n Donnie were patrolling when we found some girl out of it in an alleyway. She was pretty bad. She was barely coherent but she was talking about bein' "behind on her payments" and that they would hurt her if she didn't pay up. Only thing was, they already had. Her brain was too traumatised to deal with it. Probably fried from too many trips as well. We tried to get her to hospital- she was too badly hurt for Donnie to do anything for. We didn't get there in time. She died in the streets, rambling about 'bad shit' and some dude called Tres who'd sold it to her. Who'd gotten her in on it and then tried to convince her to "go on the game" to pay for it." Here I could feel my voice hardening in fury at the memory of that poor messed-up girl - barely more then a kid- who'd gotten far further in then she could handle.

"What happened?" asked Raph, now staring at the ground with his back to me.

I cleared my throat before continuing. Now it would get much harder to tell. Only one other person in the world knew the full story.

"I got totally caught up in trying to track down this Tres dude and his gang of dealers. Remember when I kept goin' off alone- Splinter got pretty mad at me several times. But I eventually got in with this group- disguised of course. I got friendly with one or two of them to find out where 'Tres' lived and how to get access to him." I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt and self-disgust at my use of those with whom I'd made friends for the sole purpose of betraying. So they were scum. For what I did, so was I.

"How did you do that?" he asked, now interested enough in my story to have stopped crying, staring upwards at the stars. I moved so that I was at a diagonal behind him and followed his gaze to the points of white light above us. It helped with the next part of my tale.

"Convinced them that I was interested in getting slice of the action as well. Rescued a close accomplice of Tres from a rival gang he'd double-crossed. That got me into the inner circle. That's when I met him. At his house, this time. Apparently I merited special attention. I intrigued him, I think. Maybe 'cos none of his cronies could get anything on me- how could they- we don't officially exist. And of course, no-one had ever seen my face. Mask and that coat. Made me into more of a character then a real person.

"He was rich, you know. Big house, fine clothes. Large man- enjoyed life. Probably seen as a pillar of community. But it was all blood-money.

"It was two months since that girl had died. All that was left of her life was a small byline in a local rag saying her name was Susanna Gates. Twelve years old." I had to stop again, my own voice shaking as I struggled to get my emotions under control.

"I wangled a single audience with him. And confronted him. He didn't remember her. There had been so many, he said. He'd destroyed so many lives that he didn't remember the individuals. He laughed. I swore that I'd get him put away. He called in his personal guard. I defeated them- knocked them all out. Wasn't hard- they weren't that hot. He got scared and pulled a gun- tried to shoot me. I attacked him, went to knock him out, I wanted to get that bastard put away. I thought I had sent him to sleepy land but as I got up he snatched the gun and fired. Amateur mistake on my part, leaving it within his reach. Or maybe I wanted him to- give me an excuse. Still don't know for sure. Even then I could have spared him. But as I went to hit him, _her _face flashed through my mind. And his sneer as he said that he couldn't remember each one.

"I hit him hard enough that his skull cracked off the floor." I shuddered. There, it was out. I felt me voice shake as I told him- admitted it.

"So, I guess I do understand what it's like to kill someone. It's horrific. And it'll never go away- the memory of the moment."

* * *

There was a long pause. My throat was dry. I didn't dare look at Raph, regretting my impulse to follow him. Regretting for the thousandth time getting so involved in that drugs- case.

"Do…do you ever regret finding Susanna?" asked Raph quietly, after eternity.

"No- how could I regret that she…she had someone with her?" I replied. "Right at the end, she recognised that there was someone there. A friend, you know? For a second she was twelve again. Those people stole all that away from her. But…but every day I wish I'd never gotten so involved. I don't like killing and that memory will stay. Yours will too, bro. But you have to get past it. I saw what happened up there on the roof. Raph, you might have punched him, caused him to lose his balance, but I also saw that it was you who risked your own life to catch him. He fell, but it wasn't your fault. If you hadn't hit him, he woulda killed you."

"That's what I keep telling myself." snapped Raph. "Dya think it hasn't been playing over and over in my mind?"

"Or Leo. Or Donnie. He coulda got any of us. He had a gun, Raph. And it weren't no airgun neither. He coulda hit any of us, waving that thing around and probably woulda. You more then likely saved one of our lives tonight, and believe me, you'd be feeling a shell've a lot worse if someone was dead 'cos you didn't hit the dude when ya had the chance. So don't blame yourself, okay? Remember it, not that you get a choice there, but don't let it eat ya. Talk to Splinter. He helped me. Or to me, I'm always here." I paused, embarrassd- what was with all the the deep-thinky stuff?

"Just don't tell Leo or Don about my part. I'd hate to lose my image."

* * *

I got up. Now was the time to leave my bro alone and let him mull over what I'd said. I felt drained. Man, this should be Leo's job. _He_ was the big brother, not me. I was the goofball, for crying out loud! I turned to walk out.

"Mikey? What happened to the gang?" he asked in a small voice.

"Anonymous tip to the police. Location of a certain warehouse. Turned out to be just what they needed. That guy I made friends with is currently serving twenty years." I said as evenly as possible. Raph nodded.

"Mikey?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Any time, bro." I whispered as I went outside.

Now I needed time out too.

* * *

Sooo, what dya think? Ya know how to tell me, so please do!

A


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